THIS IS AN E-MAIL I JUST RECEIVED FROM A CLASSMATE. IT'S LONG, BUT ENTERTAINING AND FUN:
So Friday my cell phone died and I found myself outside of a small pizza shop in the middle of Tempe. Inside were tens of people eating, waiting and looking back out at me through the glass. Safe to say, I felt a little watched.
So I turned my attention to the hot dog vendor next door. His name was Ralph, or at least he claimed that when I asked for a medium sized frank with extra sauce. That’s hot dog talk for extra ketchup/mustard. He gave me mine with some extra packets and I gave him some money. Turning with a grin, I prepared to walk the streets, allowing the wind to take me where it would. I put on my giant yellow sunglasses and turned to the sky which seemed to say “go for it”. Well, I went for it, and that’s when I slipped on the melted cheese that had so carelessly fallen off someone else’s pizza and onto the sidewalk.
I stumbled about for a bit, trying to maintain vertical tenacity, and accidentally spilling my hot dog on a little-miss-thang who was standing in front of a supped up sports car. She had a “bebe” shirt on, and her boyfriend wasn’t even wearing a shirt. I tried to laugh about the ordeal with them, but they wouldn’t hear it. I was quickly picked up into the air, and shoved into the trunk of his Fast-and-Furious machine. I would have yelled for help, but my mouth was full of frank.
It was dark, and it smelled like a drive-in movie. I’m not sure how long I was in that trunk, maybe days. I survived by eating the extra ketchup packets given to me by Ralph. I really missed him at this point. Then one night, the trunk started to bounce up and down a great deal. I was tossed around in that confined space like that little ball in spray can. I sang the theme song from Top Gun to calm my nerves. Thud! The car hit something big and the trunk flew open. Turns out it was daytime--dusk, really. I climbed out of the trunk and looked around. They had slammed into a giant stone block in the middle of the desert. I had no idea where I was, but I knew I couldn’t survive the night if I didn’t find some water.
My captors were passed out at the wheel, each holding a 40oz jug of Mountain Dew Code Red. I thought they stopped making that, something about there being too much caffeine. Anyway, it would have to do. I drank both jugs in one gulp and then looked out along the distance. There, I saw a small light. I went to the light, which turned out to be a small building in the shape of a cowboy boot. I assumed it was a bar of some sort and went inside. There was a man behind the counter. At least, there was a man-like thing, behind the counter so large his head hit the ceiling from time to time. I said hello.
My heart was in my throat as this large thing turned and looked at me. His hands were the hands of a man, but his head was a shark. Some sort of blue shark. He asked me what I wanted and motioned toward the menu. I didn’t want to seem rude or frightened so I gave it a glance over. I ordered up two rounds of chicken wings and a pint of something called “Coral Light”. It didn’t really do the trick, but I was in no mood to argue with a shark. From time to time he would turn and look at me, kind of like the way I would look at my chicken wings.
He asked me where I was from, what I was doing, etc, and then would look away while I answered. He started to ask me something about a gateway, but then there was a bright flash of light that came through the window and front door. I remember him yelling “Thezlar” as he ran to the back door. I followed him out of fear. He was fast, by the time I made it out back he was about fifty yards from me, running off into the desert night. I turned to see a giant machine hovering above the bar. It didn’t quite look like a ship, more like a vacuum. The lights were bright, and I had trouble focusing on the image of the thing. I saw a dark object come out of the hole in the bottom and point at the bar. Boom! Bright green, yellow, red, and then fire. The entire bar lit up in flames. The shark turned and screamed something back at me that I couldn’t understand. One of the lights must have heard him though because it immediately locked on to him. I turned to the shark. He gave me a sad look and yelled “Thezlar” again. Then, he was gone in a cloud of green, yellow, red and then fire.
The machine locked on me. I was blinded by its lights. I felt warm and passed out.
I woke in a bubble. A plastic bubble with small holes for breathing, I assumed. Outside this bubble were two large figures looking in at me. I felt like I was in a pizza shop, looking out. The hungry predators on the outside, looking in at their food. I wanted a hot dog.
The rather large part dog, part snake creature turned to his oversized friend who seemed to be nothing more than a giant penguin with a monocle and said something about a rare find. They looked back at me and asked me if I could understand, how did I get there, did I know where the gate ones, etc. I had a hard time following, but I’m kind of used to not following and then faking the answers at the last minute. They seemed generally pleased with my responses. The penguin identified himself as Sezliim Thezlar. His friend was said to be called Amp.
They released me from my bubble and gave me a tour of their world. They told me that in this world, everyone fuses with an animal at birth. That all people are born as mostly human, but are then fused with an animal of the person’s own choice. It would be like your little two year old brother telling you that he likes Raccoons, and then you fusing his DNA with one as consequence. The level of “pure fusion”, they said, is a sign of high status. Also, single fusion was a big deal. Most people were only partly fused, and with multiple animals. I looked at Thezlar.
This, they said, was starting to become a problem. Humans are losing their DNA due to the fusing processes. It had started to affect genes that were passed down to their children. People were being born as animals from the womb. This was, in their eyes, wrong by the universe. They said they only needed a few pieces of DNA from my body in order to make all right. A few, I thought, not a big deal. Thezlar smiled at his cohort and pulled out what appeared to be a gun, if penguins held guns.
In a moment of pure fear, I kicked out at him, knocking the gun from his hand, and I ran and jumped out an open window. In hindsight I should I have probably looked out the window to see if I were high up in the sky, which I was. I fell for three stories and landed in a haystack. Above me, I could hear shouting and scrambling. I climbed out and found that I had fallen into some sort of genetic experiment gone wrong. Well, more wrong that it had already been going so far. In front of me was a giraffe, with the body of a horse and the feet of 1994 basketball player—shoes and all.
He said he name was Fedel, and that he hated this place. I jumped on Fedel’s back and kicked the gate open and we rode off into the sunset. Behind us, we could hear laser blasts and screaming, but we didn’t care. We were free. I spent a day with Fedel until we came upon the car. The people were no longer inside. Good. They deserve this world. Behind us there was a the noise of static. We turned to find a distorted circle, which we assumed (correctly) as some sort of gateway. I told Fedel to come to my world. People would understand, and he could live like a king. We cried. He said that he’d love to, and we walked side by side toward the gate. That’s when Thezlar shot and killed Fedel. I rushed to him on the ground. I begged him to hold on, but he just told me to go on without him. I cursed Thezlar and ran for the gate, the laser flying around me. I dove in the air and everything went white.
I woke up at the bottom of A mountain, and looked around for Fedel. Finding nothing I gathered myself, held back the tears, and walked toward Mill Avenue. There I saw a light rail officer and asked him the time. He said was Wednesday. I had been gone for five days. I had been tossed around, teleported, shot at, captured, and made to watch my best friend/mode of transportation die by the hands of a giant penguin with a monocle.
That’s why I missed class on Tuesday. So if someone could send me their notes, I’d really appreciate it.
Thanks!
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