Fleet Foxes - Sun Giant

I wanted to write in here to talk about my mom. Yes, make it super personal. I can't sleep because I've just been sitting up thinking about what she's doing with her life. She's basically throwing in the towel, she's done trying. A little bit of me hates her every time she says 'I love you' because as soon as I say something about her maybe quitting smoking she calls me a 'pain in the ass' or 'annoying' or says the classic 'I'll quit, just give me time'. I want to scream FUCK YOU in her face every time she says that last one. My dad and I were driving in her truck one day about two years ago and when we pulled into the driveway he asked me to reach in the back and get something and I found a box of Virginia Slims on the floor. I didn't even know what they were a brand of. I was scared my dad was going to think they were mine, but he immediately knew it was my mom and that really scared me because I didn't even consider them belonging to her. She said she'd quit as soon as my Pop died. He did and she never quit. She started smoking even more. Then even more once we got to Arizona. She tried telling me it was only when she was stressed out. So after having a really nice meal at a nice restaurant or just watching a movie, it was really hard to understand why she would have a cigarette immediately after. Her mom, dad and sister all smoked. Her mom died of lung cancer; her sister of breast cancer (for the second time); and her dad because of long-term complications ultimately arising from smoking. She herself has already had breast cancer and survived. Now she leaves cancer walks so she can smoke. She really doesn't understand how selfish she is being. I can't recall the many screaming matches and crying fits I've had with her just begging for her to stop. How can a mother do this? I know this is no big deal, other mothers are fucking coke heads or some shit not giving a fuck about where their kids are or some shit. But she always told me how grateful and lucky she was to get pregnant with me because it made her quit and she'd probably be smoking today if it weren't for me and all that bullshit. So to smoke in my face is just...so disrespectful, disappointing, upsetting. I don't know. I fucking ask her to watch an episode of the Biggest Loser so she maybe gets motivated to lose weight and that is too much for her to handle and when she keeps telling me how annoying I am because I show that I care, she wonders why I show that I disrespect her. I don't believe a word she says to me anymore and I actually don't care that it's so obvious I don't respect her. She could tell me how much she loves me, she can keep giving me money every week, she can call me everyday and be my friend, but it means nothing. It's all just empty promises and the same speech I hear from her every time I bring it up. 

So I decided that I have to be like her - all talk, no action. I need to suck up the whole staying at school on the weekends thing and just do it. I can't be so available. She wants me to come down every weekend and she's even told me that she wants me here for almost all of May and I'll go to NJ in June, but really, fuck that. I won't let that happen. Use my dad's credit card or Joe's and pay him back. I have to stop calling every day. Stop coming down every weekend, maybe one or two a month. More like one. Make my own flight schedule. Stop asking for permission. I need to detach so she's sees I'm not fucking around anymore, I'm mad and I have to stop just telling her that and then coming down here and doing any mother-daughter activity. I don't care if this is not understandable to anyone else, if you saw how we interacted with each other every time this was brought up, you'd get it.

I'm just done. I wrote something and put it in her cigarette box. We'll see if she even brings it up tomorrow after she reads it. Probably not. I need to put my foot down.