Fleet Foxes - Sun Giant

I wanted to write in here to talk about my mom. Yes, make it super personal. I can't sleep because I've just been sitting up thinking about what she's doing with her life. She's basically throwing in the towel, she's done trying. A little bit of me hates her every time she says 'I love you' because as soon as I say something about her maybe quitting smoking she calls me a 'pain in the ass' or 'annoying' or says the classic 'I'll quit, just give me time'. I want to scream FUCK YOU in her face every time she says that last one. My dad and I were driving in her truck one day about two years ago and when we pulled into the driveway he asked me to reach in the back and get something and I found a box of Virginia Slims on the floor. I didn't even know what they were a brand of. I was scared my dad was going to think they were mine, but he immediately knew it was my mom and that really scared me because I didn't even consider them belonging to her. She said she'd quit as soon as my Pop died. He did and she never quit. She started smoking even more. Then even more once we got to Arizona. She tried telling me it was only when she was stressed out. So after having a really nice meal at a nice restaurant or just watching a movie, it was really hard to understand why she would have a cigarette immediately after. Her mom, dad and sister all smoked. Her mom died of lung cancer; her sister of breast cancer (for the second time); and her dad because of long-term complications ultimately arising from smoking. She herself has already had breast cancer and survived. Now she leaves cancer walks so she can smoke. She really doesn't understand how selfish she is being. I can't recall the many screaming matches and crying fits I've had with her just begging for her to stop. How can a mother do this? I know this is no big deal, other mothers are fucking coke heads or some shit not giving a fuck about where their kids are or some shit. But she always told me how grateful and lucky she was to get pregnant with me because it made her quit and she'd probably be smoking today if it weren't for me and all that bullshit. So to smoke in my face is just...so disrespectful, disappointing, upsetting. I don't know. I fucking ask her to watch an episode of the Biggest Loser so she maybe gets motivated to lose weight and that is too much for her to handle and when she keeps telling me how annoying I am because I show that I care, she wonders why I show that I disrespect her. I don't believe a word she says to me anymore and I actually don't care that it's so obvious I don't respect her. She could tell me how much she loves me, she can keep giving me money every week, she can call me everyday and be my friend, but it means nothing. It's all just empty promises and the same speech I hear from her every time I bring it up. 

So I decided that I have to be like her - all talk, no action. I need to suck up the whole staying at school on the weekends thing and just do it. I can't be so available. She wants me to come down every weekend and she's even told me that she wants me here for almost all of May and I'll go to NJ in June, but really, fuck that. I won't let that happen. Use my dad's credit card or Joe's and pay him back. I have to stop calling every day. Stop coming down every weekend, maybe one or two a month. More like one. Make my own flight schedule. Stop asking for permission. I need to detach so she's sees I'm not fucking around anymore, I'm mad and I have to stop just telling her that and then coming down here and doing any mother-daughter activity. I don't care if this is not understandable to anyone else, if you saw how we interacted with each other every time this was brought up, you'd get it.

I'm just done. I wrote something and put it in her cigarette box. We'll see if she even brings it up tomorrow after she reads it. Probably not. I need to put my foot down.

Sufjan Stevens - The Dress Looks Nice On You

I can see a lot of life in you.

Rogue Wave - Christians in Black

I don't want to forget that I thought this because I should do it. I really should. I mean, why not? Why are we only allowed one job/career/occupation in this life?

I want to, at least once in my life, be a:

1. Newscaster. I'm a big phony. I say I love Barack Obama, but I don't know anything that is going on in the world, therefore I don't even know what he's doing. I've been changing that these past few days by watching interviews with him, the 60 Minutes with him, and the press conference tonight. But that's not enough. I think it would be fun to be a newscaster. Maybe, we'll see.

2. Romance novelist. This was originally a joke that Joe made, but why couldn't I do this? I've been in my share of relationships and even though I fucked up most of them, I still had great ones. I'm really lucky. You know, in my Women and Society class, she talks a lot about violence against women and how - I'm going to stop there. I'm just really lucky. And I know romance.

3. Fashion styist. I might know romance better, but I know fashion. I might not have the money to illustrate this fact, but I know it. And I'll do it!

4. Photographer. For a calendar/postcard making company. I set my standards super high. 

5. Lawyer. This is doubtful. But I think that, once I learn to make rational points instead of emotional ones, I can fight a good argument. 

That's all for tonight. I need to get another A+ tomorrow in Stats!

Rogue Wave - Interruptions

license plates

stickers

If I had all of the monies in the world and had to spend it on pointless, sill things, I would buy these awesome stuffs:
spray paint can lamp

chi straightener

a lifetime supply of tostito's creamy spinach dip

polaroid camera (JOE, FUTURE PRESENT IDEA, COUGH FUCKING COUGH)

books on lying and deception





places to see (and the other book for the whole world)

ALL of the albums made by ALL of these artist:
TV On The Radio

Rogue Wave

Panda Bear

M. Ward

Grizzly Bear

Fleet Foxes

Passion Pit

Broken Social Scene

Badly Drawn Boy

School of Seven Bells


and a shit load of lottery tickets.

Brenton Wood - Gimme Little Sign

Did my monthly Nordstrom walk through. It was oh so lovely. I take back what I said about Nanette Lepore in my previous post - I LOVE HER. I don't know what it is about her that I didn't like and now all of a sudden love. I used to think her designs were childish and I could never see adults wearing them but I wanted to buy everything I saw today, especially that teal silk top that would go perfect under that grey three-quarter length sleeved blazer. Fuck. And then the shoes, oh my god the shoes. Okay so these were the highlights of the trip:
Nanette Lepore

Diane von Furstenberg

Haute Hippie - I want to wear this with big earrings, short choppy hair and too much mascara and call it a modern Edie (who was Betsey Johnson's first model, by the way. Got to love Nylon).

Marc Jacobs tulip skirt - so sweet!

Michael Kors - I've never been a fan of his, that was my Mom's duty (I remain loyal to Marc). I have to say, though, I'd love to wear these to my internship by day and kick some major ass by night.


It's really late, I don't know where the hours between 11 and now, 4:15, went. I thought 'blogging' would make me tired, but now I just want to type my fingers off.

School. My grades are so great this semester, or at least they exceeded my expectations. I don't really know why people make such a fuss when I tell them I'm taking 18 credits. It really is all about time management. Which is hard coming from me since I work 8 hours a week and go to Tucson nearly every weekend. I skipped only one class and that was art. I got a 90 on my Women and Society midterm and a 95 on my Statistics in Psychology exam. I think my average in Sociology is 95. I got a C on my first English paper, but she's an incredibly tough grader with ridiculous standards (I'm gonna really knock her off my feet with my second paper then!). I used to care if people thought I was dorky for doing all my homework, going to every class, going to Tucson every weekend, staying in on Thursday nights, etc etc etc. But now I don't give a shit because I'm going to be the one with that 4.0 average and graduating early. Suckers.

Boyfriend. This spring break was...everything. It was such a beautiful glimpse into the future. Traveling, documenting, laughing, making memories, making love, remembering, forgetting, cleansing. It was exactly what I needed and it is safe to say he's the only one that can give me that. The time difference is really fucking with our schedules though. We still sleep together on the phone. Have since junior year, and it will never get old. Actually, I hear him moving around in the sheets now. It's 7:30 in the morning over there, which means he'll be waking up soon for his 9 AM class (I'm such a creep, but a creep in love). I told him I adore him the last day he was here. I don't think he heard me, or really took in the word 'adore'. It's really very strong. I adore everything about him.

Living Next Year: Blah, I don't know. Maybe live with Emma and Stephanie. Maybe live with Macy (if she comes back). Maybe live with Kayli. Maybe live in Vista del Sol. Maybe live in The Vue. Maybe live in a studio, maybe a two bedroom, maybe a four bedroom. Who fucking knows. I just want to live close to campus, like casual bike ride or short walk away. And I need my own bedroom, none of this sharing shit. I can't stand it anymore.

Classes Next Year: I'm really not sure about my schedule. I'm starting to think I should have just taken the one class I have on MW and switched it to TTh so I would only have classes twice a week. This is what it looks like so far:
MW 1. Social Psychology 2-3:15.
TTh 1. Research Methods (Lecture) 10:30-11:45. 2. Research Methods (Lab) 12-1:15. 3. Human Sexual Behavior 1:30-2:45. 4. Spanish 7:30-8:45.
Online 1. Intro to Justice Studies.
Yeah, that's a lot of shit on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think it'd be cool if I had a break between Research Methods and Sexual so I could, I don't know, eat? That was dumb scheduling on my part. And fuck Spanish at night. I'm gonna be beat and alright, I know I used to wake up at like 6:30 in the morning for high school five days a week, but 10:30 is early for me, okay? But overall I'm excited for the amount of psychology. Also, after I do the Justice class I can take criminology! I'm probably going to take Serial Killers next semester too. Oh! And over the summer I'm taking another online course- Intro to Cultural and Social Anthropology. I used to be interested in anthropology at one time. Now not so much but it was the only interesting one besides art history and religions of the world.

School of Seven Bells - Half Asleep

Some pictures Joe took:


laguna beach, ca

really delicious restaurant, laguna beach, ca

pup pup, en route to san diego, ca

san xavier, tucson, az

san xavier, tucson, az

backyard, oro valley, az

oro valley, az

camelback mountain, phoenix, az

Peter Bjorn and John - Inland Empire

Why did I ever stop writing in here? Or slow it down? That was stupid.

My list of things to do today is very long, all in preparation for Joey's arrival:
1. drop off stats homework to psych building (check)
2. go to student services to discuss residency (check)
3. work 3-5
4. bring change to CVS coinstar (check - $12.05)
5. sociology quiz online
6. clean room
7. make joe's present/welcome sign
8. do the laundry
9. work out
10. shower

I'm going to be late for work. I saw this today and cried:

But then I saw this and laughed:

I don't know what I want to do before I die. Probably live in New York City, marry, have children and grandchildren, and die next to Joseph Scordo.

Passion Pit - Sleepyhead

Passion Pit - Sleepyhead

Joe will be here Thursday! His plane lands at 11 PM. I plan on taking him to In&Out before anything (after we give each other our anniversary presents though), but I fear he will have to pay since I just bought a really sweet outfit to pick him up in. I'm really obsessed with this boy.

I finally bought it! I also bought a one piece bathing suit and goggles so I can do laps as well as work out at the gym. I'm feeling really good about my body now. No abs like I was hoping but my thighs and calves are feeling great and I haven't hurt my knee since a few weeks ago. The nly problem is I weigh 110 pounds now. Where did the other 5 go that I just had last week? I went to see Brittany's soccer games tonight. They were really great. I'm glad I went, and I'm not just saying that because of the cute soccer boys. I'll put up the pictures later after I upload them. I also painted my toenails Free Form Fawn? Weird. Today is Steven's birthday. I want to buy books on deception because I love:

But I'm fine with reading Anna Karenina. I'm really not that far into it, but I'm really enjoying it regardless. I'm doing really well in all of my classes. I just took my Women & Society class today and I feel like I did very well. Got my first paper back from my English teacher though and got a C. Lame. So Joe and I are going to San Diego and he's bringing his D70 so I could use that while he uses the D200. I'm really hoping it doesn't turn into a trip for him to come out here to take pictures though. I want him to still remember that it's about spending time together (especially since his parents are against him coming out to visit me - ever). I've been riding my bike everyday. I love it. I saw Annuals February 17. What Laura Says is such a lame name for a band, but they were so good! Much better than Jessica Lea Mayfield. It's Fashion Week:

Oh hey, Roberto Cavalli. You wanna give me this dress for no reason? Alright, fine.

I want to live in Brooklyn over the summer but have no one to live with. I was thinking about surprise facebook messaging Magda, but no. That'd most likely not work out and it'd be ridiculously hard to see Joe or anyone for that matter. It would be really convenient for getting into New York though. I wish I never had to press the space bar and the computer knew when I wanted a space between my words. It's an unnecessary obstacle in my life right now. Anyway, if Marcy ever messages me back, I will most likely be guaranteed an internship with Nanette Lepore. I wasn't a huge fan of her Fall 2009, although the colors and patterns are AMAZING, but I did really love her Spring 2009 collection.

Precious, really. Oh my God, I cannot explain how excited I am for this summer. I just need his parents to say yes and...

I'm set for a summer full of long, lustful and even smoky nights, sweating in short shorts and a loose tank top, hanging out of the bedroom window watching the city lights twinkle, ride the bus to work every weekday and listen to Fleet Foxes, Otis Redding, The Cranberries, Devendra Banhart, Bruce Springsteen, Annuals, and Fleetwood Mac, feel stranded and then get picked up, maybe even ride a bike, go to the shore and wear sunglasses and feel the dirty air pass through my fingertips, walk in high top sneakers and Marc Jacobs clothing down the streets of New Yawk and hold art in my hands, see it through my eyes and not just a computer screen, feel the sunlight as it passes through tall buildings, brush past people and actually BRUSH them as in that human touch that sweet sweet one second touch when you're running up the steps from the subway below, Manhattan touching me all over and feeling small. I want to go there. I want to wake up early and eat cereal, have one set of sheets, run through forests with the only boy that matters in my life and hold his hand and never stop talking, thinking, loving, remembering, creating, sharing, together forever, on a tree trunk, in a stairwell, in 926, in Sorrento, in a locket, in a pocketwatch, in a painting, in his closet in Morris Code, in a phone call, in lust, in love, in hope, in time, in cars, in dreams, in music and books and movies and drawings and headphones. I need it. I need this summer and I need it more than I need anything right now. I need it more than I need sleep right now. I need it more than I need Spring Break right now. I want this summer to be in a one bedroom apartment with him and my friends and a few bottles of wine, or maybe we can be really classy and get a keg. I want us to be shoeless and sweating but still dancing because the music and timing is just that right. I want laughter and games and pictures and pictures and I want pictures. I want a picture of every smile, every laugh, every glance, every blink. I want it documented as the best summer I've ever had. Because it is going to be the start of the rest of my life.