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Sometimes I wonder if things are really in black and white. My best friends today are Lucas, Peyton, Nathan, Haley, Mouth and Rachel. My words aren't poetic anymore. I found this piece of paper in Joe's desk drawer that I wrote some thoughts on and it was really interesting. It just reminded me of how I used to be. Was that person normal or what, because I actually don't remember how I was in middle school. Even before then. I have all these great memories of elementary school but I have no idea what my personality was like or how I could ever yell at Janine's friends for being bad friends (yeah, apparently I did that). I just can't remember, more can't think of myself starting a confrontation or attracting attention to myself. I mean, I'm outgoing and I have a bunch of friends, but I just don't know where that girl went. I was the salutatorian of my kindergarten class and I was Brookdale's first President. I feel like I know who changed me but I can't put the blame on anyone, what would it do? It certainly wouldn't change anything, affect that person, or make me feel any better. I lost the power to stand up for myself, instead I gained a great amount of patience. I tolerate just about anything. Sometimes that's a good thing, but when someone is hurting you, mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever it is, it's bad. I like to dance, I like cliff jumping, I like having friends surrounding me, I like working, I like being in love, I like driving in a car with no destination with my dog at my side - but where is that person when I'm here? All of those things are still in me, so why can't I just let them out? Am I really that scared that someone won't think I'm funny or smart or friendly? And what do I care if they think that? I need to embarrass myself. I need to let people see the real me, my thoughts, who I am, how I became who I am, and I need to stop being afraid of the past. I am still that little girl who stood up for myself and I'm tired of being nice.